DELILAH

Or: She who is responsible for this whole mess.

"My god is a bitch on wheels." -Cronan Thompson

Delilah is the Duct Tape Class God who is credited with the creation of Earth. For much of history, She assumed the appearance seen in the above photograph: an elderly, bearded white gentleman. Currently, however, She appears as a fat, black, lesbian midget who often wears leather. She lives in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, where she spends much of her time lamenting her creation.

The Christian faith worships Delilah, but knows very little about her. In fact, they think she's still a man, the deluded fools. THE TRUE RELIGION, however, was formed by General Purpose Gods who know Delilah personally. We have decided to inform the world of Delilah's true nature.

Contrary to popular belief, Delilah did not create the Universe. She is not even one of the original Gods. No one is certain how the Gods originally came to exist, but it is generally accepted that the Universe predates Them. The early Gods did, however, lay out the fundamental principles of the modern Universe.

Unlike the history of the Earth itself, Delilah's history is rather dull. This is due to the fact that, like most Duct Tape Class Gods, She tends to sleep for centuries at a time. However, the most important events of Her life are outlined as follows:

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• 4.5 billion BC: Delilah creates the Earth. Rumor has it that this was the result of a bar bet.
   

• 3.5 billion BC: A major accident causes early life to form on Earth.
   

• 120,000 BC: Delilah decides to play around with the resulting life forms. She evolves an advanced primate into Adam, the first homo sapiens.
   

• 2900 BC: Delilah gets pissed off at Her humans and floods the Euphrates River.
   

• 1 BC: In human form, Delilah has a lesbian affair with a mortal named Mary. She inadvertently impregnates her.
   

• 0 AD: Jesus is born to Mary. Delilah influences Jesus' life, hoping to make humanity more hip.
   

• 32 AD: Jesus is nailed to a tree. Delilah gives up on humankind, moves to the future location of Baton Rouge, and goes to sleep for nearly two millennia.
   

• 1996 AD: Delilah wakes up and meets God-In-Training Cronan Thompson. They become fast friends. Cronan soon becomes a General Purpose God and co-founder of THE TRUE RELIGION.
   

• 1998 AD: In a fit of inspiration, Delilah introduces exploding sandwiches to the Universe. The experiment fails miserably.
   

• 1999 AD: Cronan is promoted to Duct Tape Class God In Training. Delilah oversees his training.
   

• 2000 AD: Delilah issues THE TRUE RELIGION's Ten Commandments to General Purpose God Brendan Dillon.
   

• 2004 AD: Delilah is briefly awoken from her slumber to help capture Norman the Elf during Norman's Rebellion.

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Delilah has not been heard from since Norman's capture. It is believed that she is napping again, and will remain so for years, perhaps centuries.

Return to the Online Tribute to Cronan Thompson.