THE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN THOMPSON

This issue's adventure: "I want to be your Federation
President"

        I hereby announce my campaign for President of
these united planets. Using my impecable reputation as
a starting point I am goinng to impose sweeping reform
in all branches of the UFP. But don't think that this
will be a smear campaign; not from this candidate. I
could talk about my opponents 12 illegitmate children
on Risa... but I won't. Even though I have pictures,
sounds and videos(plus a really nifty holo that gets a
really neat angle on a postion thought impossible for
humanoids) this is not going to be that type of
campaign. To show that I am a candidate of the issues,
for the issues and by the issues I will discuss one of
my major reforms to the Federation's Defensive and
Exploratory arm: Starfleet.
        Starfleet has many problems. We are continually
losing ships to simple things like crew members
exploding due to lack of bathrooms. So far 3 of the new
Toilet class heavy restroom have been sent out to help
these beleaguered and almost unsalvagable ships but
this is not enough. My first order as your
emperor...errrrrr president would be to insure there is
one bathroom in every ship of more than 1000 beings. My
second act to prevent the loss of so many ships would
be rename all Enterprise and make sure that they are
crewed with children and fools. Since, as the old
saying goes, fate protects those three things they
should be unbeatable.
        My next reform would be to Federation Science.
Since, over the last ten years, they have failed
consistently to apply newly recovered alien versions of
Federation technology is once dumped in its lap. My
understanding is that the one exception is the took a
"phasing" cloak that superior to anything the Romulans
or Klingons had and made a Talarian Brandy sifter.
Although the beverage was found to have the remarkable
propertiey of improving the looks of beings of the
opposite sex of the drinker, it was still deamed a
failure due the number of liver regenerations nessecary
to improve said physical attributes to an acceptable
level for mating of any kind.
        The last improvement I am going to mention
today is to Federation Aesthetics and Art Council.
Appearently most members were appointed during the
peace with the Klingons. I think I am unanimous in that
it was poor judgement,both in an aesthetic and artistic
sense, to have Zefram Cochrane's entire 250th birthday
holo take place in his favorite place, between the
twelve breasts of an Oriviem Limbst. Needless to say I
would replace most of them.
        Who will support my campaign? Better yet who
will be my vice president?