If you were you were to slink on over to http://www.pathfinder.com/ew/970919/features/trek/index.html** you might find some interesting statments in classic bullshit that are in desperate need of translation. Allow me to help. Fortunately for you all I am expert in bullshitese.
Bullshit:
"Excellent work," drones Russ. "But if you disobey my orders again, I will be forced to...""I will be forced...to mount you!" squeals Ryan unexpectedly, before keeling over in giggles.
Translation:
We are fully aware that 7 of 9 has no real character potential and so are the cast and crew. We feel it only proper to inform them that she is a cheap ploy in a dying shows last bid for redemption. Don't tell the fans though. They actually believe we have an iota of respect for someone who still watches the show!Bullshit:
"We wanted to shake things up," explains coexec producer Brannon Braga. "Star Trek has been somewhat of a sterile show. Could it use an infusion of sexuality? Absolutely."Translation:
"We need ratings so badly I have been sleeping with several Neilson families... at the same time. All for naught however," shouts Braga from the ledge he teeters on. "Star Trek was once a somewhat tasteful show. And then I showed up."Bullshit:
The producers agreed and blamed the downer premise: a lost Federation crew trapped in a remote area of the galaxy, with microscopic hope of getting home. "This was a very uptight show," observes Braga. "All the characters were depressed and didn't want to be there--so why would the audience? We decided to embrace the adventure, to accept their predicament, and to start having a good time."Translation:
Seeking to shift the blame onto someone or something that could not fightback they blamed the premise that they created. "We weren't creative enough to write for the paranoid and claustrophobic setting we had created," blathered Braga. "The thus far non-existent characters seemed too depress everyone who watched. We have no idea why. Although they are supposed to be stranded, destitute and struggling we decided to make it a party."Bullshit:
Ryan has a few clues where her role could lead, however. Some showbiz stargazers have already pegged her as one of fall's breakthrough beauties; on the other hand, playing one of the first new characters added to an established Trek show, she must win over the craggy, conservative fan base. Feeling a wee bit of pressure, Jeri? "Thanks for bringing it up!" mock-shrieks the former costar of NBC's 1996 sci-fi dud Dark Skies. "Yeah, it's a bit daunting to think how fans will receive Seven. It's a big question mark."Translation:
Ryan, after struggling for several hours to breath, couldn't find a clue after it was lost in the black hole created by the immense pressure of her skintight spandex.. Some showbiz stalkers have already collected several pairs of her underwear; on the other hand playing a walking wet dream for a fanbase that is reputed to contain a predominantly intelligent lot has lead Ryan to believe she must win them over using hormones to circumvent and, if at all possible, short-circuit their brains. Can you breath, Jeri? "I lost four maxipads the other day. They simply popped into non-existence!" crys the former costar of another horrible show. "Yeah, it's a bit scary to think that these wonders of modern science will affect fandom. Hopefully they will result in many stains on sheets."Bullshit:
Overheated commentary immediately jammed Trek sites: "Hot! Hot! Hot!... I think I'm in love!" exclaimed one AOL post. Sniffed another: "Somehow the phrase 'Lowest Common Denominator' keeps running through my mind." Back at the show, cast reaction was equally trepidant. Recalls Robert Picardo, who plays Voyager's holistic Doctor: "The concept [seemed to be] to put a female on who was so attractive, a guy channel-surfing would hit on Voyager, the remote would just fall out of his hand, and he would spend the rest of the night drooling in front of the set."}Translation:
Since the internet is were every single Star Trek fan is we decided to use one as our representative, an AOLer no less. Because this is propaganda rag we will refer to those who choose to believe that 7 is an LCD ploy as 'snooty'. Back on the show, the one cast member who had a pair large enough to speak out was coincidentaly forced to choose 7 of 9's outfit. "We thought it a fitting punishment for independant thought," said Braga. "We attempt to stiffle it at every turn but it pops up every now and again."Bullshit:
{RYAN'S HOPE: "I think it's important to see someone who is overtly sexy and has a brain" }Translation:
Unfortuantely my character is neither intelligent nor sexy to those who don't consider plastic a sentient lifeform.Bullshit:
"Wow! Jeri Ryan is probably one of the few women who could actually make a Borg in full prosthetics look oh-so-sexy. Drooool!!!" posted one overexcited AOL fan. Perhaps Spock's Vulcan motto should be amended to ''Love long and prosper.''}This one requires no translation.
I hope this helps any of you who were confused.
**Editor's note: Link updated to current location, 8/22/2012.
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