From: "Plain and Simple Cronan"
Subject: [MISTIED] B5's "Into the Fire" **FLAMING SPOILERS**
Date: 1998/12/04
Message-ID: <747l4m$b01$1@camel19.mindspring.com>
Organization: If only you knew
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5.moderated
[A quick proviso: If you haven't seen the B5 episode INTO THE FIRE you'll
probably have to read the synopsis of the episode at
http://www.midwinter.com/lurk/synops/072.html to understand what's going
on. This is a MiSTing of the *episode* as it aired not a transcript.]
[Insert appropriate season opening]
[Satellite of Love - Bridge. The guys are leaning on the counter and
laughing]
MIKE: And what about Cartman and the Rainbow thing?
TOM: ANAL PROBE is still my favorite. That or BIG GAY AL.
[They all notice Cambot is on and Crow and Servo stop laughing.]
MIKE: Err, hi. Mike Nelson here on the Satellite of Love. We just got
done watching South Park's first season.
CROW: In its foul entirety.
TOM: We were disgusted by it's crass vulgarity.
CROW: Yes siree bob.
[Mike looks confused]
MIKE: Hold on. You guys were just...
CROW: It's obvious you misunderstood us, Mike.
TOM: See, due to the awesome and well deserved power of the rating
system in our day to day lives...
CROW: Which we now realize is as it should be.
MIKE: What about ANAL PROBE and BIG GAY AL?
[Tom and Crow are pointedly ignoring Mike]
TOM: ...we avoided watching it until curiosity overcame our good sense.
CROW: Boy have we ever learned our lesson!
TOM: Absolutely, Crow. The moment we forsook state-mandated decency and
journeyed down the arduous road of self-discovery all gosh darn heck
broke loose.
CROW: Without censorship, how could we live? All the decisions we'd be
faced with, day in and day out....
TOM: "If you can't have someone else do it for you, preferably a duly
appointed government official, it ain't worth having done," that's my
new motto.
[A look of dawning comprehension passes over Mike's face]
MIKE: Oo! I got one...
CROW: I shudder at the mere remembrance of the thoughts that once
plagued my mind.
MIKE: Indeed. Without the NC17 rating for movies, TV-MA for television
and, most importantly, the now mandatory V-chip, think of all the
things parents might have to do for their own childrens.
TOM: Screen movies and television, read them books, love them...
[Mike wipes away a tear]
MIKE: My parents had to love me. The government hadn't grown wise
enough by that point to love us more than our parents ever could. It
was too much for dad. I think it contributed to his heart attack. He
died because there was no one to play big brother.
[Mike starts to wail]
CROW: Hush, Mike. It's a vicious cycle that arises from the lack of
good clean censorship. It's good to be living in these more enlightened
times.
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial break in 5
[Commercial sign]
MIKE: We'll be [sob] right back
[commercial break]
[Satellite of Love]
MIKE: Welcome back
TOM: Mike felt that we should offer an apology for that sarcastic
condemnation of what we perceive as censorship.
CROW: We were just trying to advocate freedom of expression.
TOM: All we ask is that you, our loyal viewers, go forth and crush
every world view that doesn't believe in tolerance and free speech.
MIKE: And if this wasn't clear, we apologize.
[They all nod and make apologetic throat clearing noises]
[Mad sign starts to blink]
MIKE: Incoming from Tweedles Duh, Doh and Doom
[Mike presses the button]
[Castle Forrester - Sunroom. Pearl is in an Earth Force uniform, Observer
is dressed like a Minbari religious cast member and Bobo is in Narn Warrior
garb. There's B5 merchandise and a big screen TV off to one side with a
stack of tapes beside it. Bobo and Observer are arranging snack treats on a
small B5-shaped coffee table]
PEARL: Are you well?
[SOL]
MIKE: Not for long, I'd reckon.
[Castle Forrester]
PEARL: You wound me, Nelson. Here I am, preparing for THE television
event of the month and, upon revealing my decision to share it with
you, you assume that I mean you harm. Why, if I weren't such a...
[Pearl turns her back to the camera]
PEARL: Hey, Chromedome.
[Observer comes over from the TV and stands beside Pearl]
PEARL: I need a...
OBSERVER: Actually it's more alabaster than chrome; perhaps ivory...
PEARL: Yeah, whatever Chromedome. I need a word that means 'startlingly
beautiful yet brilliantly insightful with a love of all mankind so
deep, so profound that I must rule them with a firm but gentle hand.'
[Bobo rushes forward up from the background]
BOBO: 'Groovy' lawgiver?
PEARL: Will you butt out.. of.. that's great! Here's a bacon snack.
[Pearl reaches into her uniform and pulls out a bacon snack, ignoring
Observer's indignant look, turning back to the camera...]
PEARL: Where was I?
[SOL]
CROW: The end?
[Castle Forrester, Observer and Bobo are rolling around in the background,
fighting over the bacon snack]
PEARL: Oh yeah. If I weren't such a groovy broad I'd not send it to
you. Yet I am so I must.
[SOL]
MIKE: Would this have anything to do with Babylon 5, by chance?
[Castle Forrester]
PEARL: Doesn't everything? Observer. Observer!
[Pearl yanks Observer off Bobo(who quickly gobbles down the bacon snack)]
PEARL: Send them Babylon 5's "Into the Fire."
OBSERVER: Done, done and double done. Now can I have a bacon snack?
PEARL: Maybe later.
OBSERVOR: Oh pooh!
[SOL. Lights flash, sirens wail]
MIKE: We've got Babylon sign!
[Door sequence]
[SOL - THEATER]
> Ivanova: Commander's Personal Log
CROW: The Ultravibe Pleasure 2000?
> Ivanova: We're still searching for First Ones to use in our war with the
> Vorlons and the Shadows
TOM: [as Ivanova] And Vyvyan, Neil and Rick to use in our war with
Earth.
> Ivanova: We have to get back to Babylon 5 and catch up with the fleet
MIKE: You'll probably have to detour around the I-40 connector, there's
a 10 ship pile up on the belt way.
> [Lorien sits, looking out the window]
CROW: Be vewy, vewy quiet. I'm hunting First Ones. Hu hu hu hu hu.
> Ivanova: The captain's idea, about hitting Vorlon targets
TOM: ...with big fluffy pillows...
> Ivanova: ...delaying them long enough to put our fleets in a killing zone
> between the Vorlons and the Shadows... it's...
MIKE: Expository dialogue.
> Lorien: He's making a crucible which he hopes will force out the truth
MIKE: Couldn't he just publish a newsletter? Hand out a few flyers,
maybe?
TOM: You've never seen B5 before, have you?
MIKE: Is it that obvious?
> Lorien: They haven't spoken to anyone outside of their own race for
> centuries.
> Ivanova: But they'll remember you?
> Lorien: Oh yes.
CROW: [as Lorien] I'm that good bay bee
> Sheridan: White Star 9,
CROW: Get jiggee wit'em!
> Delenn: Forward screens are down!
MIKE: And rear shutters are flapping!
> [The base is destroyed]
TOM: Looks like the Vorlons made the tactical error of building their
base out of butterscotch and toothpicks.
> Sheridan: Look at it
> [He points at the fleet]
CROW: Hyperspace *is* beautiful this time of year.
TOM: As rotten jello goes, it's the bestest I've ever seen.
> Sheridan: Win or lose, we'll go down fighting.
TOM: Whoever said it doesn't matter if you win or lose must have been
riding in the back of the loser bus - covered in human filth.
> Sheridan: Mr. Lennier, take us into the fire.
MIKE: [as Sheridan] And leave us there until we're golden brown.
> [During the opening sequence]
> G'kar: The year we
CROW: ..ran out of ideas
> Londo: It was a new
TOM: ...franchise
> Garabaldi: The year is 2261
CROW: But we're gonna party like its 2299!
[commercial break]
[SOL - Theater]
> [Title: Into the Fire]
CROW[whine]: But I don't wanna go to Disneyworld!
> [Julian Barnes as Durano]
MIKE: Quick, someone get me Jane Fonda and a fur boa!
> [Lyta summarizes the last couple of episodes]
> Lyta: So why are we here instead of there?
CROW: [as Cheech] Ay, things are tough all over.
> Marcus: We have enough ships to make a stand at one of them. So which do
> you choose?
MIKE: Obviously not Centauri Prime.
> Marcus: It's numbers. Cold, unsympathetic numbers
CROW: What about the warm, caring numbers? They never get any press
> [Edited by Skip Robinson]
TOM: An editor called Skip? That's like a pilot named Crash.
> [Written by J. Michael Straczynski]
TOM: That's Latin for Roddenberry-itis
> Delenn: John, I've just heard from Ivanova.
MIKE: Coincidentally she was on the john
> Sheridan: Tell her to come on in and to haul ass.
TOM: He wants her to bring Zack?
> Delenn: I'll tell her to... haul ass. But that seems to me a very
> undignified position from which to command one of the White Star fleet.
CROW: With a cool, dry wit like that she should... shut the hell up.
TOM: My understanding is that more than her wit is cold and dry.
> Ivanova: So where are the rest of'em?
> Lorien: They fell ill and died. Were injured and died.
MIKE: Damn HMOs.
> Lorien: The rest went away
CROW[sing]: On the good ship lollipop...
> Ivanova: I have to admit
MIKE: [as Ivanova] I find you attractive in a Milton Burle sort of way.
> Lorien: Skepticism is the language of the mind. What does your heart tell
> you?
TOM: At a guess: BADUMP BADUMP BADUMP
> Ivanova: My heart and I don't speak anymore.
CROW: [as Ivanova] Clogged that sucker with chilly cheese fries.
> Ivanova: Let's assume that in all the universe...
MIKE: [as Ivanova] ...there's, like, lots and lots of stuff
> Ivanova: At that point you'd be doing pretty good to invent fire or the
> wheel. You couldn't come up with science, technology, find a serum for
> immortality...
TOM: Develop shoetrees, slice bread...
> Lorien: We were born naturally immortal.
CROW: In the highlands of Scotland
> Lorien: At first we were kept in balance by birthrate; few of us were
> ever born.
MIKE: [as Lorien] We had a deep, natural repulsion to one another.
> Lorien: Less than a handful each year. Then...
CROW: ...came Viagra
> Lorien: I think the universe decided, for there to be change and growth
TOM: [as Lorien] ...the Fed had to lower interests rates
MIKE: No more CNN/FI for you
> [Lorien goes on and on]
> Lorien: You should embrace that remarkable illusion; it may be the
> greatest gift your race has ever received.
CROW: That and the ability to *summarize*.
> Durano: Prime Minister, I'd like to speak with you if I could.
CROW: [as Durano] But I shall mime it for you instead.
> Londo: What does the Ministry of Intelligence want with me?
MIKE: [as Durano] We recently discovered an Intelligence surplus and
you're at the top of our list.
> Durano: In my experience, if you cannot say what you mean, you can never
> mean what you say.
TOM: Contrariwise, if it wasn't what I meant then it wouldn't be what
I say. That's logic.
> Durano: But it was not Lord Reefa who commissioned her murder.
> Londo: What?
> Durano: As I said, the details are everything. And we were quite..
> Londo: Who gave the order?
> Durano: Your associate, Mr. Morden.
CROW: You been had, Mollari.
> Londo: Get out.
CROW: You been hoodwinked.
> [Londo gives Durano a withering look]
CROW: You didn't land on the Shadows. They landed on you.
> Londo: He played me like a puppet.
TOM: Yeah, one of those stringy, floppy puppets that live in old tin
cans.
> [Londo smashes stuffs, spins in circles while camera circles him]
TOM[sing]: Ring around Mollari
Mindful of his folly
Smash this, smash that
Now fall down
> [Londo falls down]
> Londo: Oh Gods!
CROW: Give me the power, I beg of you!
[commercial break]
[SOL - Bridge. Mike, Crow and Tom are present in their usual places]
MIKE: That's completely ridiculous. You two have come up with some
strange theories before but this one just...
CROW: You're simply denying the evidence.
MIKE: What evidence?
[Tom whistles loudly]
TOM: Yo, Gyps! Bring me...
[Zoom on Tom]
TOM: The Cassette.
[Du du duuuuuu music accompanies Tom's words]
MIKE: What the... Et tu Magic Voice?
[Gypsy enters stage left pushing a TV/VCR cart]
M.V.: Once you see the cassette, you will understand.
GYPSY: It's all cued up. Remote's on the VCR, gotta go do... stuff. See
yah.
CROW: Mike, if you would.
[Gypsy exits. Mike picks up the remote and presses the play button. The
word "Smurfs" appears in huge letters that fill most of screen.]
TOM: A video that dares to ask the most important question of our
era...
[The word Smurf slowly turns red as an extremely blood-like liquid fills
the letters, replacing the blue]
CROW: Were the Smurfs red?
MIKE: That... thats the most blatant anti-Smurf propaganda if ever
I've seen.
TOM: You'd impinge upon our journalistic integrity?
[Du du duuuuuuuuu is heard again. On the screen, in smaller letters, "A
video by Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot" scrolls up followed by, in barely
visible letters, "paid for by The Friends of Gargamel, a non-profit
organization." Mike pauses the tape.]
MIKE: Journalistic integrity, ay?
TOM: We had to seek alternative funding for our controversial research.
CROW: The Smurfy media elite's bias has kept this quiet for years.
MIKE: But "The Friends of Gargamel?"
CROW: Just start the tape, already. Mute it too. We'll do the narration.
[Mike unpauses the tape and presses the mute button. More credit scroll
upward. "Narrated, Directed, Researched and Distributed by Tom Servo and
Crow T. Robot." A shot of the Smurf village appears with the Soviet
'hammer and sickle' flag superimposed upon it]
CROW: Point 1: With few notable exceptions... All aspects of Smurf life
were tightly regulated.
TOM: The rank and file Smurf's lived in the same dwelling, wearing the
same clothing, eating the same food.
[A series of random clips of the Smurfs spliced with pictures of Soviet
Tanks and Mobile Ballistic Missile Platforms. Soviet music accompanies
this.]
TOM: Point 2: All farming, particularly that of the so called
'Smurfberry Bushes' was collectivized. All proceeds were distributed
equally among all Smurfs regardless of work. It is a little known fact
that the so called Smurfberry bushes were a fruit bearing variant of
cannabis sativa.
CROW: Better known as marijuana.
TOM: And mari juana is bad, mmmcay?
CROW: The THC level per ounce of Smurfberrys is equal to 12 ounces of
the highest grade marijuana.
TOM: And mari juana is bad, mmmcay?
MIKE: Well, that *would* explain the sing-a-longs.
CROW: And Greedy Smurf. But its primary purpose, however, was to keep
the Smurfs content, greedy and generally apathetic...
TOM: And mari juana is bad, MMMCAY?
MIKE: So you keep telling us...
[Pictures of Soviet farm workers and people standing in food lines are
spliced pictures of the Smurfs picking Smurfberrys followed by shots of
Lazy Smurf napping, Greedy eating and a group sing along]
TOM: Point 3: 'Papa' Smurf's despotical rule was based on his role as
father figure to the Smurf Nation.
CROW: It's positively Orwellian.
TOM: And the Smurf version of goodspeak was more insidious than any
Orwell could have dreamed.
CROW: Economy of language to the point where all communication of ideas
deemed un-Smurfy became impossible.
TOM: And this was a 'kids show', Mike. Think of what that means.
MIKE: My head hurts.
CROW: Imagine how ours felt, trying to think this stuff up!
TOM: Using donated software and hardware, we stripped away 'Papa'
Smurf's beard and found... well look for yourself.
[Papa Smurf's beard is slowly stripped away as his picture slowly morphs
into a picture of...Stalin]
MIKE: !
TOM &
CROW: Exactly!
CROW: Remember too that the Smurfs so venerated the name of their
'Papa' Smurf that using his name incorrectly were legal grounds for
assault.
[On the screen the Smurfs are doing that dance thing they do. Brainy Smurf
is hurled from the village, landing on his head]
TOM: Point 4: There were no names. Each Smurf was given a work
designation by which they were be identified.
CROW: Point 5: Gargamel's evil stemmed from his capitalist desire to
turn the Smurf's into gold.
TOM: You'll also notice that there was no disease, war or conflict
unless brought about by The Capitalist fallguy of Gargamel.
MIKE: Wha?
CROW: Now you're getting it. And that was *just* our prima facie case
TOM: Now we must consider the most damning evidence: the timeline.
[The Primetime 'we gotcha!' music plays]
CROW: In 1986, Mikhail Gorbachev...
[A picture of Mikhail Gorbachev]
TOM: ...a known Smurf...
[A picture of Gorbachev wearing Smurf's pants and hat]
CROW: ...instituted the policy known as Glasnost, violating the Soviet
canon.
TOM: At around the same time, Grandpa and the Smurflings were introduced,
violating the Smurf canon.
MIKE: Coincidence?
[A shot of the Smurflings and Grandpa]
TOM: So it seemed. At first. But within 3 years both the show and the
Soviet Union would mysteriously cease to exist.
MIKE: Mysteriously!? The whole thing was covered on CNN.
CROW: Poor Mike. Turner is so obviously Smurfy.
[The picture, it's replaced by a shot of Boris Yeltsin standing in front
of a Russian Federation flag]
CROW: The show's final seaon would air in '89-90 ... The finale aired
and within 3 months the Berlin Wall's largest sections were all toppled.
[Someone using a sledgehammer on the Berlin Wall. A Smurf has been added to
wall]
TOM: The fall of communism was, of course, what led to the Smurfs
unleashing their doomsday weapon on the western world: Mira Furlan.
CROW: She's sort of like Omega Red without the tendrils.
MIKE: And Turner, being "Smurfy", had TNT pick up B5 so that Smurf's
Vengence could be had?
TOM: Say... we hadn't thought of that but now that you mention it, it
does seem sort of sucpicious.
CROW: Do you mind if we use that in out presentation to HUAC?
[Lights flash, sirens wail]
MIKE: HUAC was disbanded in... Ahh, skip it. We got Babylon sign.
[Door sequence]
[SOL - Theater]
> Ivanova: Ah hell
> Lorien: Ah hell means 'continuous fire' in Minbari.
TOM: I thought it meant the same thing in English.
> Lorien: Patience is also a weapon if used properly.
MIKE: But a kiss is even deadlier if you mean it
> Lorien: You cannot win this war through force; You must understand your
> way out of this.
TOM: [as Ivanova] Which would seem to explain why ships' weapons have
been tuned to 'snuggle.'
> Lorien: What remains to be seen is whether he knows that he knows.
CROW: [as Lorien] Just don't let him know that *I* know.
> [Lorien and Ivanova look at each other goofily]
CROW[falsetto]: [as Ivanova] Damn if we're not uninteresting.
> Sheridan: We still can't win but it's not bad
> Marcus: We can't win?
MIKE: [as Sheridan] Did I say that outloud? Stupid brain. Stupid,
stupid brain.
> Sheridan: Are the nukes ready?
CROW: [as Marcus] All set to thermonuclear 'cuddle', sir.
> Morden: What the hell is going on Mollari?
> Londo: A number of Vorlon ships are on their way here, accompanied by one
> of their planet-killers. They will arrive in a matter of hours.
MIKE[quickly]: But why are they...
> Londo: They have been wiping out any colony, world or outpost where your
> associates have influence.
MIKE[quickly]: Oh but how did...
> Londo: Cartagia gave your associates the island of Celini as a base for
> their ships.
MIKE[quickly]: So where's this Cartagia?
> Londo: ...Cartagia is dead....
MIKE: Got it now, thanks.
> [Centauri guards fire, Shadows fade in and then fade out]
CROW: Military dress and provisions by Seigfried and Roy.
> Morden: You're insane
> Londo: On any other day, Mr. Morden, you would be wrong. Today? Today is
> a very different day.
TOM: Snozzleday?
> Londo: Yes. Your ships are very impressive in the air or in space but at
> this moment
MIKE: [as Londo] I'm having all the air and space hidden.
> Morden: So what are you going to do Mollari? Huh? Blow up the island?
> Londo: Actually... Now that you mention it...
> [Londo holds up a remote and pushes a button]
> Morden: No!
CROW: [as Morden] I was watching that!
> [An island that bears a striking resemblance to Sicily blows up]
MIKE: He just gave Sicily the boot.
CROW: Boo! Hiss!
> Morden: You just made a mistake, Londo.
MIKE: [as Morden] Your Christmas present was on that island.
> Morden: They'll make sure Centauri Prime pays the price for what you've
> done here today.
TOM: Do you have any idea how much beach front property is worth?
> Lyta: Captain... I think they're coming.
> [Shadow and Vorlon ships jump]
CROW: And with two full milliseconds to prepare victory is assured!
[commercial break]
[SOL-Theater]
> [Shot of Shadow fleet]
> [Shot of Vorlon fleet]
> Lennier: They're heading straight for each other.
TOM[falsetto]: John!
CROW[bass]: Marsha!
> Lennier: It's as though they don't know we're here... or don't care.
TOM: I'll take the middle one.
> Sheridan: Then let's get their attention. Which of our nukes are in that
> area?
CROW: [as Delenn] Nuzzle, caress and nestle.
> Sheridan: Good evening gentlemen. This is your wake up call.
> [Sheridan presses button, detonating 3 nuclear weapons]
MIKE: It's all so clear to me now: by 'understand your way out' Lorien
must have meant 'destroy them with nuclear cocoa puffs of doom'
> Lyta: Captain...
> Sheridan: Hmmm?
> Lyta: They're pissed.
CROW: [as Sheridan] All right, what joker reset the nukes to piss?
> [Big black cloud surrounds Shadow fleet]
MIKE[sing]: Hello darkness, my old friend...
> Ivanova: Man the weapons's system
CROW: Mike, would you say its tactically wise to leave the weapon's
station unmanned when going into battle against overwhelming odds?
MIKE: Why are you asking me?
CROW: Just looking for that human perspective...
> [Shadow fleet and Vorlon fleet engage Sheridan's]
TOM: Am I alone in thinking screaming space ticks covered in gooey
black licorice destroying butterscoth flavored mollusks a bit, you
know, on the wierd side?
> Sheridan: This is Captain John Sheridan to Vorlon fleet.
MIKE: [as Ash] Hail to the king, baby!
> Lennier: No response. But captain,
> [Lennier leaves his station and walks over to Sheridan]
CROW: [as Lennier] I didn't send the message.
> Delenn: Lyta!
TOM: [as Delenn] You look lonely over there, let me join you.
> [Delenn gets up and walks over to Lyta, standing extremely close]
TOM: [as Delenn] You smell like Cheez-its and shampoo!
> [Delenn asks Lyta to telepathically contact the Vorlons]
> Lyta: I'll try
> [Cut to the battle, cut to Centauri Prime]
CROW: [as Lyta] Oops! Wrong number.
> Sheridan: It can't end like this! I won't allow it
CROW: [as Sheridan] After all, this war is MINE MINE MINE!
> [Sheridan summons the first ones, they appear]
TOM: [as Mighty Mouse] Here we are to save the day!
> [First Ones kick Vorlon buttock]
MIKE[announcer]: Rising up to oppose the Butterscotch tyranny, came The
Christmas Tree from Heck, an Easter Island Statue and a giant, flame
spewing mushroom looking thing. This is their story.
> [There are massive numbers of ships just sort of milling about]
MIKE: Well... errr... it's certainly more soothing than other space
battles.
CROW: Riverdance meets Babylon 5 in "The Lord of Understanding."
> [Lyta's eyes glow white, her body's been commandeered by the Vorlons]
> VorLyta: There is nothing to tell.
TOM: What about the story of that lovely lady? You know the one [sing]
Who was bringing up three very lovely girls...
> [Lyta eyes turn black]
> ShadowLyta: And you they have left... for us.
CROW[mumbled]: [as Shadows] Hand-me-downs and leftovers s'all I ever get
[commercial break]
[SOL-Theater]
> Lorien: He wanted all of you to know what you may be asked to die for and
> why
MIKE: And a conference call was simply out of the question?
> [Lorien apparently connects everyone to the show that Sheridan and Delenn
> are being treated to]
TOM: Stealing Pay-Per-View... that's just low.
> Lennier: I can see. I can see
MIKE[sing]: ...clearly now for miles around
> [Lady in a clear block]
CROW: It's the old woman-in-the-ice cube gag...
MIKE: [as Maxwell Smart] I fell for that one just last month.
> Sheridan: You're destroying whole worlds.
MIKE[nervously]: Heh. Well, we've all made *that* mistake, let me tell
ya.
> Sheridan: I don't like being used
TOM: He doesn't seem to care for acting, either.
> Sheridan: I finally understood the rules of this war when I saw your
> planet-killers in action.
CROW: [as Ted] All posers must die!
> Sheridan: A Vorlon said, "Understanding is a three-edged sword..."
TOM: [as Sheridan] "...that I'll shove where the sun don't shine if
you don't shut up."
> Sheridan: The truth is
CROW: [as Sheridan] Whatever I say it is
> [Delenn is standing in a dark room, spotlight audibly click on]
TOM: This scene cost, what? A $1.95?
> [The Shadows give Delenn their pitch for Chaos]
CROW: Chaos is looking pretty hot right now...
> Franklin: You will rise from the ashes.
CROW: [as Franklin] All dirty and covered in soot.
> Sheridan: That's why you've been targetting planets that support the
> Shadows instead of Z'Ha'Dum.
TOM: [as Sheridan] You've been going alphabetically.
> Delenn: After all, if you destroy the Vorlons, they'll never know you won.
CROW: Personally, I consider my destruction a sure sign of defeat.
> EvilMarcus: Order vs Chaos. Choose one.
> Delenn: Yes.
MIKE: I don't believe that was one of the options presented.
> Sheridan: You're like a couple of parents arguing in front of their kids:
> manipulating them,
CROW: Blowing up the family home, trying to kill them.
> Sheridan: But what if the right choice is
TOM: The Denorex side!
> Delenn: What if we simply walk away?
CROW: Then we'll club you to death when you turn your backs. Duh
TOM: What gets me is that they're answering multiple choice questions
in Essay form.
> EvilDelenn: There is only chaos and evolution.
CROW[sing]: Sitting in a tree, K I S S I N G.
> EvilDelenn: You've let them see!
CROW: [as EvilDelenn] ...My visible pantyline!
> Marcus: Extreme cold has shut down the jump engines.
MIKE: Neat trick that, being colder than space
> Lorien: Your next words will decide which way this goes.
MIKE: Tutti Frutti
CROW: Sassafrass
TOM: PEEP!
> Sheridan: The Vorlons ask only one question, over and over.
CROW: Like my curtains?
TOM: [as Koch] How'm my doing?
> Sheridan[talking to the Shadows]: For you the question is..
CROW: Where do you want to go today?
> Sheridan: I've never heard you answer that question.
CROW: [as Garrison] Remember there are no stupid answers, only stupid
people.
> Sheridan: [to the Shadow] What do you want?
TOM: [as Shadow] Fingers!
> Sheridan: We don't need it. We don't need you!
TOM: [as Sheridan] I'm more than enough tyrant for anyone!
> Vorlon: You do not speak for the rest.
CROW: That's damn good point, actually.
> [Drazi ship takes a missile for Sheridan's White Star]
TOM[sing]: Sha-la-la-la-la-la, live for toAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH.
> Delenn: Others have rejected you.
MIKE: Nya nya! Everybody hates you, nobody likes you!
> Sheridan: We refuse to take sides in this anymore
TOM: There's something unsettlingly persuasive about a resolute lack
of conviction.
> Sheridan: We know who we are now
TOM: The Lesbian Women's Auxiliary!
> Delenn: You can kill us, one by one, and those who follow us and those
> who follow them, on and on, every race, every planet, until there is no
> left to kill.
TOM: [as Delenn] But don't do that though!
> Sheridan: Now get the hell out of our Galaxy!
MIKE: [as Sheridan] Before we make you kick our asses again!
> Lorien: They have learned to...
CROW: ...threaten suicide if they don't get their own way...
> Lorien: They have learned to understand
TOM: ...straight from Dr. Laura
> [The Shadows, Vorlons and First ones up and leave...]
MIKE: So the moral is: after gettting your drivers' license, use
yourself as bait to lure your feuding parents into a trap so you can
mow them both down with their own car?
TOM: Very Jerry Springer, I'd say
> Lorien: This [galaxy] is yours now
> [Sheridan and Delenn exchange looks]
MIKE: [as Sheridan] Aw shucky darn. And I didn't get you a thing...
[Door sequence]
[SOL - Bridge. The set is completely dark. Suddenly a spotlight audibly
clicks on, illuminating Mike. He is wearing an Army of Light uniform and
Vanilla Ice- type wig. His eyes are covered with a blindfold.]
MIKE: Can I take it off now?
[Crow enters in a spotlight that follows him. He's got a shower curtain
hanging from the upper ridge of his torso. Hanging from the lower ridge is
a Travel SIMON. One of his eyes has been removed and the other has been
centered]
CROW: Sure.
[Crow's mouth has apparently been sealed. When he speaks the SIMON lights
up. Mike takes off the blindfold.]
MIKE: Wha?
CROW: I offer you order. Obey and you too can be locked in a block of
ice. We'll throw in a lifetime supply of Yani records.
[Tom enters with a his own spotlight. He's been painted completely black
with random silver streaks. He's got 8 black legs emerging from his
hoverskirt]
TOM: Yani sucks. Join us and we'll let you blow shit up!
CROW: We've got a better health plan.
TOM: You won't need a health plan. You can kill anything that looks
infectious.
CROW: We'll make you telepathic.
TOM: That's a good thing? Don't listen to squid boy, join us. We throw
better parties...
CROW: They're all ticks, look at'em. They'll suck you dry
TOM: Will not!
CROW: Will too!
TOM: Will not!
CROW: Will too!
TOM: Not!
CROW: Too!
MIKE: Stop it!
CROW: Plus, we'll give you a cookie.
[Crow holds up a 3 inch cookie]
MIKE: Oatmeal raisin! My favorite!
[Mike snatches the cookies and starts eating it. He looks at Tom]
MIKE[while eating]: Rebuttal?
TOM: Err... a month's supply of Pixie Sticks?
MIKE: Wow!
[Mike spits out the cookie that's in his mouth and throws the rest away.
Mike looks at Crow]
MIKE: So what you got?
CROW: He doesn't even have that many Pixie Sticks.
TOM: So? After you're gone I'll get'em.
MIKE: You lied?
CROW: They do that.
TOM: So do you.
CROW: Do not.
TOM: Do too.
CROW: Do not! Do not! Do not!
TOM: Do too! Do too! Do too!
[They make raspberrys at each other.]
MIKE: I've made my decision: I can't decide
TOM: Would it make any difference at all if I told you I was your
father?
[Gypsy comes in, she's got a long white beard, is wearing flowing robes and
has an aluminum foil tiara (with an unwrapped Jolly Rancher at its apex) on
her head]
MIKE: Save me Lorien Kenobi! You're my only hope!
GYPSY: Come! Come now!
[Mike touches Gypsy and all the lights come on. Crow pulls a gun]
CROW: Choose, or I ventilate you.
GYPSY: I can help you no further.
MIKE: WHAT?
GYPSY: I cannot interfere.
MIKE: But you just...
TOM: Just choose already!
[Mike starts pacing back and forth]
MIKE: And if I commit to indecision?
[Crow and Tom look at each other]
TOM: Well, no one's ever done that before.
[Mike grins]
MIKE: Didn't count on my hypocrisy being so all encompassing, did you?
CROW: Well I'll be fragged.
MIKE: You're like two midgets fighting over a bologna and mozzarella
cheese sandwich: deeply erotic. Now get out of your galaxy!
[Crow and Servo start crying]
TOM: I'm so confused!
GYPSY: Don't be sad, we'll go the Rimshot Smoothee Shop. Best Mango
Smoothee in the known universe.
TOM &
CROW: Okay!
MIKE: Can I come?
CROW: No. You were mean. We don't like you anymore
[Gypsy, Crow and Tom exit]
[Planet Bumper]
[Commercial Break]
[SOL- Everything is back to 'normal' except Crow only has one eye. Gypsy is
still present]
MIKE: I have to admit: that was a lot of fun
TOM: Next time I get to be Sheridan
GYPSY: I want to be Delenn
MIKE: Playing Sheridan is so cool. To actually be rewarded for such
open hypocrisy...
TOM: I imagine George Stephanopolaus feels that way all the time
CROW: Anyone seen my other eye?
MIKE: I got it. Here, let me put it in for you
[Mike pulls Crow's eye out of his pocket and pushes it into place]
[Lights blink, siren's wail]
MIKE: We got Babylon sign!
GYPSY: Gotta go do... stuff
MIKE: Traitor
[Door sequence]
[SOL - Theater]
CROW: You really need to clean your pockets more often, Mike
> Londo: I think about this war being over
TOM: And suddenly remember I could have been watching Deep Space 9
> Vir: The war is over.
CROW: *gasp* Could it be true?
> Vir: The Shadows are gone forever. The Vorlons are gone forever
CROW: Have they? I should have taken notes...
> Vir: Cartagia is dead and we saved Centauri Prime.
CROW: Golly does all this sound familiar...
> [Vir hugs Londo]
ALL: Awwwwww!
CROW: That's touching in a geeky sort of way
> Delenn: It's hard to believe it's really over
MIKE: It's hard to believe the Tolkien estate didn't sue
> Sheridan: We began in chaos, too primitive to make our own decisions.
MIKE: *sigh* The college years...
> Sheridan Then we were manipulated from outside by forces that thought they
> knew what was best for us and now
CROW: You've got guns. Really big ones.
> Sheridan: This is ours now
MIKE: [as Sheridan] We stole it fair and square
> Sheridan: It feels like the magic is gone...
> [Twinkle/sparkle music]
> Delenn: No, not gone
MIKE: The magic's in the music, of course
> Delenn: Now we build the future. Now we stop...
CROW: ...making sense
> Sheridan: ...Being afraid
MIKE: ...of little the blue man who lives on my shoulder
> [Credits]
> [Associate Producer: Susan Norkin]
CROW: Glad to see someone called the Norkin Man
> [Music Performed By: Christopher Frank and the Berlin Symphony Orchestra]
MIKE: Has there ever been a *good* movement to come out of Germany?
> [Gaffer: "The" John Smith]
CROW: He's my all time favorite gaffer.
MIKE: His brother, Real McCoy is pretty decent too
> PTN Consortium is the author of this film/motion picture for the purposes
> of Article 15(2) of the Berne Convention and all national laws giving
> effect thereto.
MIKE: Oh, sure, shift the blame onto some innocent consortium...
[The guys get up]
TOM: I'm gonna need a liter of liquid soap, 20 Brillo pads and some
Windex to rid myself this stench
[Door sequence]
[SOL - Bridge, Da guys is in da usual spots]
MIKE: So, Tom, I noticed that near the end you were pretty quiet
TOM: I'm just a little depressed, is all. Once upon a time B5 was the
creme de la creme of television scifi.
CROW: Now its on par with "Space Cases" and fading fast.
MIKE: It was *that* good?
TOM: Better.
MIKE: So what happened?
TOM: Well, it's sort of complicated...
CROW: It's not something that summarizes well.
TOM: Although... Crow, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
[Crow, stage left, exits stage right. Tom, stage right, exits stage left.
Far too quickly for them to have changed, they both return in Army of Light
costumes]
CROW: Kick it!
[Lights go low, the music to "Springtime for Hitler" begins as Cambot zooms
in Servo]
TOM: Younger races had some trouble, what a sad, sad story
Needed a new leader quick before things got too gory
Where, oh, where was he? Where could that man be?
We looked around, got turned down, stumbled on Johnny
And now it's...
CROW: Springtime for B5 and Sheridan
Vorlons and Shadows just ran
We're spoiling for a major fight
Look out, here comes the Fleet of Light
[White Star and Starfury toys are thrown from offscreen while loud B5 space
battle sound effects are heard. One of the toys knocks Crow to the ground
with a loud metallic 'thunk.' Mike ducks and Servo ignores them]
TOM: Springtime for B5 and Sheridan
Winter for First Ones most grim
Springtime for B5 and Sheridan
First Ones have gone out to the Rim...
[More toys, only this time they're Shadow and Vorlon ships. Gypsy enters
stage left, walking right. She's wearing a long, black wig and an Army of
Light uniform]
GYPSY: I was born in Rosatov
My dad was Andre Ivanov
[Gypsy exits stage right, Crow, now in a B5 security uniform, exits as she
enters, he's wearing a night watch band on his arm]
CROW: Don't be stupid, be a smarty
Come and join the Nightwatch party
[Zoom back in on Servo]
TOM: Springtime for B5 and Sheridan
[PPG shot is fired]
We'll schlepp and misstep today
[Shadow ship scream]
Beams filling up the skys again
[White Star beam sound]
Earth's heirs are on the rise again
[Zoom out. Crow and Servo are back to back, looking into Cambot]
TOM &
CROW: Springtime for B5 and Sheridan
White Stars are flying once more
Springtime for B5 and Sheridan
Means that soon we'll be going...
Hey Clark, we're coming...
You know we'll be going to... WAR!
TOM[between gasps]: I think that about does it
MIKE: Yeah, it certainly does *it,* all right
CROW: Why, thank you Mike
[Mad sign blinks]
[Mike presses the button]
[Castle Forrester - Sunroom]
PEARL: It was even better the 14th time! And wasn't Sheridan noble?
BOBO: That Lorien chap was quite handsome, wasn't he?
[SOL]
TOM: Oh, you mean the Great Northern Bearded Narn?
[Castle Forrester]
BOBO: Yesssss
[SOL. The guys share a shudder]
[Castle Forrester. Bobo swoons and faints Observer reaches to catch him]
OBSERVER: Psych!
[But pulls his hands back at the very last minute. Bobo lands with a thud.
Pearl turns to Observor]
PEARL: Bad boy. Very, very bad boy
[Pearl gives Observor his long awaited bacon snack, he gobbles it down]
[SOL]
CROW: I've never noticed how alike you and Delenn are, Pearl.
TOM: Manipulative, self-centered, power hungry, genocidal...
[Castle Forrester]
PEARL: Since you've sent me to a cloud of fangirl bliss: you may go,
plebians
[SOL. The guys scramble away, the lights go off.]
[Castle Forrester]
PEARL: Did I forget to mention "A Call to Arms"? Damn. I always do
that.
OBSERVOR: They probably won't survive "River of Souls", anyway.
[Screen blinks out.]
[Credits: Written, Produced, Directed and performed by Plain and Simple
Cronan. "SPRINGTIME FOR SHERIDAN" by Arthur Levesque. Riffs contributed
James D. Thompson, Arthur Levesque and Michael "Rottweiler" Wallen. The
Brains' stuff is still theirs, the Warners own B5, someone out there has
got to own the Smurfs (NBC, I think) and I am a FREE MAN! Special thanks
to all of the above for various services rendered.]
> Sheridan: Now get the hell out of our Galaxy!